Since I started this blog, I’ve had some pretty bad anxiety. First I blamed it on the heat wave and my new vitamins, but for some reason I just kept thinking of images from Super Mario Bros where the Boo ghosts chase you as long as you don’t face them, but as soon as you turn around and look at them they stop. That inspired me to stop and think about what is really chasing me. Growing up, I had to learn to navigate in a world which made no sense to me; one I would later realize was all a delusion in my schizophrenic mother’s mind. Part of learning to navigate was to be identityless, opinionless, and voiceless. Speaking my mind would trigger her to recognize me as separate from her and would invite an entire shit storm of fuckery upon myself. It took a very long time to break out of these patterns as an adult, especially as all my relationships and circumstances were formed from this place. Although it was terrifying at first, finding and strengthening my voice was a form of healing and rebellion, of reclaiming my self. Every time I say what is on my mind I push myself further from that place of subjugation. It’s no wonder some of those old feelings are flaring up now, as I am working on this blog also a larger web project which I am hoping to launch in about a month- with the theme that there are very clear (and resolvable!) reasons why we suffer from things like anxiety and depression, if we look below the surface and don’t just run to the pill bottle. Glad to be exploring this… Masking symptoms is living a partial existence. Freedom begins when you figure out what formed these reactions.
Unfuk yourself.